Went through 5 months with barely a sentence on my hands AAAA. Well, for the thousandth time, let’s do this again!
I’ll type what I could scrape from my notebook. Today’s actually 7/17 but we’ll get there.
9/10
Kelas Bahagia ala Epikuros
It’s foolish to fear something not due to the pain itself but due to the prospect of it.
Kaya kata Scamander Newt. Something to keep in mind, I guess.
Pandemi — robbed us of things but we get to ponder upon what we’ve lost, things we used to take for granted
Uuh, that’s just a takeaway, not a trade anyone would be willing to make in any other condition?
Belajar berpikir otodidak dengan menghapalkan ajaran dahulu, get so intimate with the knowledge that we internalize and can toil with it seamlessly. Filsafat dan berbahagia jangan dengan mengikuti doktrin dari filsuf-filsuf lama, tapi dengan memulai dari diri sendiri.
Hedonisme = derives happiness from consumption.
Kata epikuros hedonisme ini bukan kebahagiaan alamiah (yang hanya mencakup makan, minum, seks + pertemanan). Kenapa ga boleh? Karena ga respectable? Not to stand up for hedonism tapi siapa yang menentukan kenikmatan mana yang valid? Hedonisme ga valid karena berbuah konsekuensi yang damaging ke sektor lain (finansial), apa karena konsumtivisme menular dan salah satu sumber kepuasannya adalah terlihat mampu mengeluarkan uang alih-alih kegiatan mengonsumsi atau memiliki barangnya sendiri kaya kata John Berger? Emang sih konsumtivisme itu problematik. Tapi katanya Epikuros egaliter. Kenapa menyalahkan sumber kebahagian orang lain? Kalo mereka meninggalkan konsumsi sebagai cara berbahagia, apa saran Epikuros supaya mereka bahagia? Dari lagatnya, paling dia akan bilang, temukan caranya dalam dirimu sendiri, kebahagian datang dari diri bukan dari doktrin! Lah terus?
Nikmat: berhentinya rasa sakit
If you go low enough, all sensations, including happiness and sadness can cease. You’re not in pain, yet you’re definitely not happy, just numb all over. I wonder what he’d say for this case.
This is my first philosophy class and.. I don’t know. “Internalize the knowledge and wisdom in order to experience it by heart”, he said. But why would we listen to him? I’m just skeptical about unproven know-hows. I can’t take these ancient people’s wisdom without spoons of salt. Why do people even learn philosophy? Jawabannya mungkin untuk memicu dialektika (walaupun ini tidak diamini Epikuros). Tanpa kelas hari ini, jelas isu-isu di atas tidak akan terlintas di kepalaku malam ini. Selain itu, kita bukan orang pertama yang memikirkan tentang ini, itu, dan banyak hal. Walaupun hari ini aku banyak tidak setuju dengan Epikuros, tak ada salahnya juga mempelajari ide yang sudah dipikirkan orang lain. We have few thousand years worth of thoughts and discussion on record, sayang sekali kalau diacuhkan. Peradaban sendiri berkembang berkat kemampuan manusia menulis, menyimpan, dan bertukar pengetahuan eksternal. Supaya tidak gampang terombang-ambing dan lekas fanatik dengan suatu paham, pengetahuan yang beredar tanpa ampun di sekitar kita cukup jadi sumber informasi dan katalog ide saja. Tidak perlu jadi doktrin. Ga cocok ya udah, cocok ya udah juga.
9/12
“A crime is something someone else commits” — John Steinbeck
“Of course we did it to ourselves, we had always been intellectually lazy, and the less asked of us, the less we had to say” — William Vollmann, Carbon Ideologies
Yea we do tend to discount the fatality of our own doing and judge what others do harsher.
2/2
As a matter of COVID.. behold the statistics:
How was the condition when I freaked out, became paranoid and extra keen on hygiene, panic-buy, and everything then? I think it’s the same for everyone, things get worse, and we’re number (?? Like more numb, but apparently this is the right word, spelled like ‘nummer’. The more you know.). After losing one more uncle to this I have a background cold resignation towards everything now. Ah but we changed our health minister! I was skeptical because he was mainly a corporate strategist in this and that banks. Perhaps we’ll still be seeing the economy as the top priority in COVID mitigation? But it’s not bad at all. Precisely because he was a corporate strategist that he’s doing a great job cleaning up after the mess the previous functionaries left behind, and communicating all of the progress. He quickly caught up with the science and he explained to everyone how his programs are actually science-based and solution-driven. We know it’s a long fight and we won’t win this overnight. We just want the gov to be transparent and actually tackle the issue where it hurts. Now we’re not seeing the end of the tunnel yet, but I feel like I can trust our competent sir to bring us there. He sparks hope in LOTS of people, me included, and damn it’s refreshing. Well, all eyes on you, sir. Good luck and please do well.
I’m still in Korea, apart from the direct effect of everything. Kinda shameless of me to complain as if I had it bad here (I mean, I go around crumpled and grey with bloodshot eyes and foam on my mouth, but only because of my labwork, not the pandemic fatigue, yet). But my heart, future, and everything that matters to me is there, so complain I will.
4/5
“writing is about building courage to face our own thoughts”- R.C. Waldun (or something like that)
True enough. I think I’ve been so out of touch with my emotion because I haven’t been writing (or even thinking, tbh, I’ve just been.. tired). Kania asked what do I do to cope with stress and whatnot. I was flustered by that because I didn’t think it would be such a difficult question. I didn’t really cope at all this time around. I just jumped into the whirlpool and get sadder and sadder. I’d be all disintegrated and leaky for a while and after 3 or 4 days and I was up on the ground again somehow.
[7/17 update] After some cycle of that, I’m honestly feeling fine now. Ruminating fears and nightmares kinda sting but maybe that’s what I need? Being around myself emotionally, tending to the inflammation?
I should get back to writing.
5/19
Finally got myself an e-book reader yay! It’s a reward to celebrate reading my 500th book, a.k.a one of my long quests for 2021. I’ve been using it for a month and I love it! The battery life suits my zombie apocalypse survival agenda, and I just love to think that I spent so little electricity on that. It really is easy on the eye as it advertised. Happy to read under the dark without abusing my eyes too much too.
5/23
Watery eyes from bleach vapor
You got water on your throat
But your enemies aren’t deterred
Flies flying without fears
Trashing the room you trashed first
Stop brushing your hair they’re falling
Start shaking your heart it’s crumbling
Sweet tunes are complicit in you erasing
urgency of what’s important
What went wrong that she’s moving not
Don’t die yet there’s deadline tomorrow
- habis ngerendem baju pake pemutih semaleman, pintu wc ga ditutup, bangun2 mata berair
7/16
Indonesia’s on n-th wave and the situation’s abysmal. It rains bad news everywhere. People die, or dying to get treatment, hospital room, and oxygen for their loved ones. We’re getting more than 50k new cases/day, and 1.2k deaths yesterday. Kids are orphaned, people breathed their last alone, nurses quit because they couldn’t take it. Can it get even more devastating? I pray not. It’s difficult just to jot this paragraph down, I couldn’t even begin to imagine how heavy it is for the shoulders directly affected. I lost one more uncle too last week. Not because of COVID they say, still a sad day for the family.
Meanwhile, it’s actually been a thrilling 2 weeks personally, finishing my defense, getting this and that signature, submitting my thesis etc etc. Am I qualified to be happy? Well, I’ll allow myself to be relieved at least. I’m a deflated balloon with sporadic spikes of air charge these days, it’s a roller coaster.
7/17
“Don’t ideas require an energy source of some kind?”
“Ideas take their energy from the perceptions of others” — Haruki Murakami, in Killing Commendatore
What is that supposed to mean? Is this like fallen-leaves-don’t-make-any-sound-without-anyone-around thingy? Tapi apa bisa disamakan? What does it even mean for an idea to lack energy?
Maka energi tidak bisa diserap hanya untuk disimpan. Kan entropi niscaya. Entah energi akan lepas dengan sendirinya, atau berubah menjadi bentuk lain. Jadi ide membutuhkan sumber energi.. dalam penciptaannya? Atau untuk memelihara hidupnya? Rasanya pernyataan pertama dan kedua bisa menjadi pernyataan yang valid, tapi keduanya membahas kebutuhan energi bagi ide untuk tujuan yang berbeda, yang belum tentu berhubungan.
Tentu ‘energi’ dari persepsi orang lain tidak bisa dipakai untuk mencipta ide yang belum ada dan belum bisa dipersepsi. Dalam hal ini, menurutku informasi (entah dari luar ataupun pengalaman sendiri), dan keingintahuan cukup untuk menjadi daya cipta ide. Seperti molekul yang bergejolak untuk melepas energi internalnya, informasi dan keingintahuan akan menendang-nendang empunya dengan berbagai “Bagaimana jika???” pula.
Untuk memelihara hidup ide, mungkin pernyataan “Ideas take their energy from the perceptions of others” yang disampaikan melalui Commendatore bisa dibenarkan. Ide bisa hidup dalam pikiran orang lain. Dan makin sering dipikirkan, makin berkembang suatu ide, ke arah manapun itu. Tapi tanpa proses amplifikasi eksternal ini, apa iya suatu ide akan mati? Apa ide tak ada artinya tanpa validasi orang lain? Apa kita sendiri bukan orang yang bisa menyelenggarakan persepsi? Ide itu hanya bentuk pikiran, kan? Bukankah selama kita hidup dan memikirkan ide tersebut, ia akan ada? (Kalau lupa, ya tidak.)
Selain itu, seiring ide mengalami perubahan di pikiran orang lain, bukankah perlahan ia menjadi ide yang lain? Bukankah kemudian ini menyimpang dari tujuan memelihara kehidupan ide pula?
Commendatore, please manifest on the seat in front of me and give me an answer! Lucky him, our painter is so agreeable that he didn’t question any of this.
